I used to sneak behind my dad late at night and yell boo while he was watching porn.

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I offered a plastic bag to a customer holding something heavy and blanketed… That something was a baby.

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That moment you’re thinking you are in complicated relationship, and you find out your “boyfriend” has already moved on.

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My girlfriend and I had a big argument, so I apologized by proposing marriage. Married February, separated by September.

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When I drive over train tracks I look left and right about 300 hundred times, fuck that shit is scary.

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When a chicken fastfood chain runs out of chicken. What the fuck?

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When you’re reminded of something terrible in your life and now all you want to do is kick someone’s jaw shut on a curb.

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That feeling when you have to sneeze and it disappears just as you’re about to.

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When you leave your food in the company fridge and someone steals it.

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When you thought of something funny to say but when you start telling people about it, nobody laughs.

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